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Wednesday 6 March 2013

Dominykas' work


The Trip That Went Wrong

 

Jack and Bob, who were climbing trees, didn’t relies the children were boarding the coach ready to go back to school. As they were climbing the tree Bob got stuck in the middle “I don’t I could go any further Jack! “Shouted bob because Jack was at the top “shhhh be quiet,” “I think the coach is leaving,”.

 

Jack and Bob, ran to the car park. It wasn’t there.

“AHHHH what are we going to do were going to die!” Bob cried, “Calm down Bob!” shouted Jack, “I think I know how to get out,” he said calmly, “yeah right were lost WERE GOING TO DIE!” bellowed Bob, “JUST CALM DOWN BOB!” yelled Jack.

                                  By Dominykas
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12 comments:

  1. (ibrahim)11 March 2013 at 03:41

    I like the way you used were going to die you should improve on your closing

    ReplyDelete
  2. inaya11 March 2013 at 03:43

    i liked it but your sentences are boring and you need more vocab in there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mustafa11 March 2013 at 03:56

    I liked it when you used your going to die at the end
    You could improve on more oppeners

    ReplyDelete
  4. waheed13 March 2013 at 03:36

    wonderful!you used connectives and adjectives to improve you could of wrote more

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hana13 March 2013 at 04:45

    I thourght it was really intersting and funny as he did get stuck in a tree, but you can improve by adding more detail also more conectives and operners!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aisha.M13 March 2013 at 04:49

    Excellent work!

    *You used a variety of said words.
    *You used great vocabulary

    W-You should correct your sentences as some don't make sense.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dominic13 March 2013 at 04:50

    Dominykas you are surly the greatest writer that ever lived

    ReplyDelete
  8. Neel13 March 2013 at 04:57

    Dominic your piece of writing was wonderful and your openers and your puncuation were fantastic.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Naif13 March 2013 at 04:58

    I love your writing

    *I liked it when you used speeches
    *I liked it when you used capital letters when they shout
    You need improve your work by making sense in your writing

    ReplyDelete
  10. Faaris13 March 2013 at 05:00

    Excellent work!
    *you used a variety of said words.
    *you used great vocabulary

    w-you should correct your sentences as some dont make sense

    ReplyDelete
  11. Gurveer13 March 2013 at 05:04

    your piece of writing was wonderful and your openers and your puncuation were fantastic.But you can improve this writing by addin more deatils.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Husna15 March 2013 at 09:07

    This was a good piece of writing but you need to make sure that you use the apostrophe in the right place (we're instead of were.

    ReplyDelete

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