Trapped!
“Ring!”
the piercing sound of the fire bell engulfed the entire school! Crying, Faaris,
who was trapped in the boys’ toilets, heard the sound of the toilet taps.
Standing there was a muscular, year 6 boy.
In a
deep voice, the boy asked:
“What’s
your name kid?”
“MY
NAME IS FAARIS, AND WERE GONNA DIE!”
“Hey
man chillax! It’s probably just a drill. Dunno why you’re stressing.” Calmly
explained the boy named Raeis.
Desperately,
Faaris, who could smell the stench of burning timber, tried to open the door.
“It’s
no use, it’s not opening!” Whimpered Faaris while crouching with his arms round
his legs.
“Here
let me try!” explained the boy. Soon after the handle fell to the ground!
Well done raeis I really liked your story includind the title 'Trapped'
ReplyDeleteYou have used drop in clauses and you have wrote a descriptive piece but to make more intereting you could prepostional openers and try not to reapeat explained
ReplyDelete*You have used droping clause
ReplyDelete*You have used different words for said
You could improve on not using words twice
You have used really good connectives like whimpered and piercing. You have also used a drop in clause in this piece of work. Well done!
ReplyDeleteyou have used really good powerful words such as engulfed which is inresting and goes with the scene.however, you could vary your openers and connectives also your words fof said suach as explained.
ReplyDeletewonderful! you have used loads of connectives and you built suspence to do better you could of wrote a bit more
ReplyDelete*i realy liked your title TRAPPED
ReplyDelete*you have dropped a clause
you could improve by not using th same words twice
well done Ashraf great use of vocabulary
ReplyDeletegreat piece of writing
You have incredible speeches showing the tension and feelings. Wonderful vocabulary describing the scene. You could use more connectives to link the sentences
ReplyDeleteYou have build suspence but you could have used a drop in clause
ReplyDeleteThis was a good piece of work, also good use of VCOP, conectives and puncation!
ReplyDeleteSurely the best writer of all time!Even better than all the pupils in year 6 put together! :)
ReplyDeleteWOW! amazing again everything was perfect and i cant say anything bad about it
ReplyDelete